Sunday, 28 June 2009

  • This Week

    Two Points

     

    What has been interesting these last few weeks is how my struggle during my days has increased and compounded.

    ·         One of the ‘causes’ is the presence of Marlen being here at the farm. With her being here I find myself being in the exact same situation as in school – experiencing the same points as back then as she represents for me the entire ‘Art School’ set up – and the people I hung out with at school.
    I am now currently working on a project together with Marlen – at school I would always avoid situations where working with other people is required. As the other beings would take advantage of me, not co-operate, be lazy and force their ‘ideas’ within the group. Conflict would then emerge and the work that was produced was lesser. So within working with Marlen I am facing the point of ‘freedom’ as in ‘ doing things how I want to do it without having to bother about anyone’ – as we are working on this project together and have to take each other into consideration.
    Many times I have seen my ego come above the surface where I want to defend ‘my idea’ and do things according to ‘how I planned it’. And each time I had to bring myself as the ego down to allow myself to see that what she is suggesting is really not ‘as bad as I thought’ ( and at the same time push myself to speak when I really do not agree). So at the same time I have been experiencing constriction and limitation as ‘I do not have ‘the freedom’ to fully do things as I want to do it’ – yet at the same time I seeing how I have limited myself in the past with not allowing myself and other beings to work with me – as with working on this project I do have a lot of fun and I enjoy hearing Marlen’s ideas and perspectives. And I can honestly see that having another being working on the same project can give more ‘juice’ to it, more ‘dimensions’.

    ·         Another ‘cause’ or ‘point’ is my insatisfaction with myself which is compounding and compounding moment by moment, day by day. Where I am fully aware of where I am not applying myself to the fullest – and yet do nothing about it. Or when I ‘attempt’ ‘to do something about it’ – I do not do it completely, absolute to its utmost specificity and effectiveness. It is an attempt to make myself feel better and hide away the guilt and discomfort I have with and towards myself.

    Some points that are very prominent when participating with Marlen:
    - Personality
    - Competition (with regards to Art and Process)
    - Being uncomfortable as I have almost never been in a position where I have someone in my reality that is ‘equal’ to me from the perspective of the Mind and the persons capacities. Where I as the mind as ego feel threatened to lose my apparent idea of ‘specialness’.

    Some point that are very prominent where I know that I am unsatisfied with myself:
    - Breath
    - Stopping
    - Self-Honesty
    - Self-Forgiveness

    Which are in essence the basics to be applied yet I do not will myself to actually apply these principles in every breath. As I ‘do not see the point’ and allow laziness to keep me from actually willing myself within self-movement to apply these Principles. Showing to me that I am still holding on the ‘me as the Mind’ as ‘who I perceive myself to be’. Fearing change and ’losing’ this perceived ‘who I am’. While from an information and knowledge perspective I know that this is not a real actual loss – but just Mind being ‘endangered’.

    Do I wait for an event to take place before I apply myself, before I will myself to actually change and be content with myself? Do I wait for someone to kick my ass? Or do I will myself here, now, to live and change in every breath?

    Choice.

    I still consider choice within ‘who I am’. I see that I do not want to be who I am at this current moment: sloppy, superficial, unreal. I see that this will only compound and that change is inevitable. And I see who I can be - if I allow myself to will myself.

    Another point that kept showing itself this past week is ‘self-appreciation’. As if I do not will myself – I am actually appreciating myself? Am I actually loving myself? No – not at all.

    I am seeing myself as not worthy of myself and allowing self-judgment to diminish myself.

    I am not good enough.

    I am not doing good enough.

    Have to do more.

    I have to be better.

    Oh no I made another mistake again.

    Each of these thoughts being another hammer banging itself into me. Not allowing any space for appreciation or care for myself.

    If I stop this self-judgment and allow myself to give me to me – I can will myself to change, I can will myself to be effective, I can will myself to be me as I know who I can be.

    So that is the key.

     

    Self-Forgiveness

    Marlen

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access my personalities within the presence of Marlen

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access my personalities that I maintained in art school while being in the presence of Marlen

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my personalities be triggered merely by the presence and participation of Marlen

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate and participate with Marlen from a Mind Consciousness Perspective that leans more to participating and communicating with her as ‘a friend’ than as an actual equal

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have considered to not participate as much as I do now with Marlen in an attempt to ‘sort out’ my personalities – not realising that this is not an actual solution but that I am only judging myself as my personalities, denying them and pushing them away – not actually sorting them out.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect and diminish Marlen because I do not treat her and participated with her as an Equal

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrespect and diminish myself within not treating and participating with Marlen as an Equal.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘too hard’ to stop my personalities around Marlen

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find an ‘easy way out’ in order to not face and stop my personalities – within the consideration of no more participating with Marlen

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have applies self-intimacy with regards to personalities and identifying my personality traits in order to stop them and delete them.

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for Marlen’s presence – but instead experience her presence as a burden as my mind is now working overload.

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for Marlen’s presence.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been spiteful towards Marlen within my personality activations that have been happening since she arrived.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my ‘specialness’ with Marlen being here

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘special

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as ‘special’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by Marlen’s presence

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened being in the presence of an equal – as this implies that I am not special

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my self-definition is not real.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to my self-definition as ‘specialness’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not actually wanting equality because I do not want to lose my ‘specialness’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself as my mind as self-interest prevail

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unreal

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened by the idea of equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing ‘who I am’ within equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my death within equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I will be no more’ within equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself within equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being non-existent within equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually care about equality – but only about self-interest

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to deal with this point sooner

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not actually see what equality actually really entails

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting equality

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting equality from the mind’s eyes

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only look at equality from the starting point of self-interest instead of best-interest for all

    Competition

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access competition when working with another on the same project

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something to compete about

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be ‘better’ than others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be seen as ‘better than others’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete for the sole purpose of people thinking ‘good’ of me

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be judged as ‘good’ and ‘better’ by others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as ‘bad’ and ‘lesser’ by others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to experience myself as ‘good’ and ‘better’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to and fearing to experience myself as ‘bad’ and ‘lesser’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energy driven

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to drive myself with ‘happy’ or ‘good feeling’ energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to avoid ‘bad’ or ‘depressed’ energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I consist of and as energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I exist as energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require energy

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘energy’ is the juice of life

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and find ways to drug myself with energy

     I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that energy is not real and can only exist within polarity

     

    Working with others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stated within myself and created a self-definition of myself that ‘I do not work with others on projects’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my self-definition that ‘I do not work with others on the same project’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have created the belief that there will always be self-compromise within working with others on the same project

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to work with others on the same project out of fear that my ‘freedom’ will be ‘invaded’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist working with others as I believe that I will get irritated and frustrated with them

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that then this is where I must go and push myself

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it hard taking others into consideration when it comes down to including two or more beings their expression within one project

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer working alone on a project

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer working alone on a project so that me and my believes and preferences do not get challenged by others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to be challenged by others

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to be forced to change

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I have the right to have preferences that cannot be questioned or challenged by anyone’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached (emotional) value to my preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as separation by participating within ‘having preferences’ as I am separating al that I prefer from all that which I do not prefer

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within having preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to limitation

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be open

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘no-one’ without my preferences

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access control when my preferences are being challenged and question as maybe not being actually real

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to firmly believe that my preference are real and that they are properly ‘reasoned and validated’

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that what my preferences are based on is pure non-sense and is not real at all

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my preferences and ideas as being ‘the right ones’ and discard all others as ‘not being the right ones’

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my ideas and preferences in the attempt to defend and maintain my identity

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to identity

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to identity as points of information and knowledge

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as ‘who I really am’ consists of list of knowledge and information

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be unconditionally open for other beings their suggestions and perspectives

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally open up and actually hear and listen to other beings

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hear without getting my ego involved

     

    Judgment

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep judging myself

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ‘look’ at myself through eyes of judgment

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at everything through eyes of judgment

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgment

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within only seeing through the eyes of judgment

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to go beyond judgment, beyond limitation.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed judgment to be my nature of self

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate myself and others through the eyes of judgment

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see within self-honesty

    Breath

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be aware of my breath in every single moment

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to will myself to be aware of every breath in every single moment as I cannot ‘see’ people being aware of their breath in every moment – so there is no-one to remind me of breath but myself

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remind myself of breath

    I forgive myself that I haven’t actually accepted and allowed myself to will myself to breathe

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate breath

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take breath for granted

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard breath

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply the basics

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have actually started applying the basics

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still rely on my mind

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still rely on my mind to ‘get me through the day’

    Self-Honesty

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have properly worked my way to self-honesty within every moment as I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here in every breath

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that all the basics are intertwined and that if one point is not in place all the others fall

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot be self-honest if I am not here in every breath

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest in the ‘moments that I am here’ and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest by only being self-honest in ‘certain moments’

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to validate myself

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make myself real

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to will myself to make myself real

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irrelevant

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself as irrelevant

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself as replaceable

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be constant

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be stable

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be continuous

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be absolute

    Self-Forgiveness

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my points of self-forgiveness compound instead of taking them on one by one

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by letting my points of self-forgiveness compound

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write about a point and correct myself but instead let the point linger on and allow it to linger on as still existent within me

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to deal with points as they come

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only deal with points when I am really uncomfortable with myself

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait to the point where I feel uncomfortable with myself before I deal with (a) point(s)

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to move through points without having to experience uncomfortableness with myself

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be effective

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things difficult for myself

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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